He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
