News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
