so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
