i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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