What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
