if you like me you must not know who I am
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
