I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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