Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
