dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
