i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
