I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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