I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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