I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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