My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize