Farmville is her only friend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
