trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
