Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
