I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Semen is not good for contacts.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
