Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize