Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
