My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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