i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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