is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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