she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
