If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
