Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
