I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
