mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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