Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
