if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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