Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
