mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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