apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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