mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is wine microwaveable?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
