Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
