im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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