I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
