What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize