my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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