It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
