I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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