I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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