Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
ttyl tear gas
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
