Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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