I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
