you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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