Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
