If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
