I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
