Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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