In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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