Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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