we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
