Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
