Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
