So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
