positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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