The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
