Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
