I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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