i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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