btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
